Music traces the Great Arc of each relationship. Unless you are one of the lucky ones who plateaus in the Flatline of Happiness, a typical relationship plays out something like this…

First we have the I Am So Into You phase, which happens to be the name of a song by the Atlanta Rhythm Section. Then, if the victim-to-be actually connects with the subject of their longing, comes the Happy Together stage, best represented by The Turtles’ “Happy Together.” I think you see where I’m going with this, so I’ll let you fill in a few of the future musical blanks on your own. And for the younger viewers who don’t understand the Call you up / Invest a dime lyric of the aforementioned song, I did some research on this and it turns out that life fifty years ago was pretty wild. You made “telephone calls” from a “phone booth” and it cost ten cents. And yes of course we’re talking about a Land Line because back then everything was a Land Line. There was no need to say “Land Line” because there were no Non-Land Lines. It’s like, did my grandparents live in the Dark Ages or wut?

Anyway, next we have the There’s Storm Clouds a-Brewin’ interval, followed by We’re Breaking Up, which is the emotional equivalent of getting your toe caught in a pasta roller. At least half of the best pop songs are sourced from the We’re Breaking Up drama, with the other half being about cars. If one makes it through that bit of nonsense without being institutionalized, then one is allowed to suffer the brief bout of Loser Nostalgia known as I Want You Back. And finally, if our hero has not yet succumbed to alcoholism, there’s the closure of the I’m Glad We Broke Up Because Your Were A Total Psycho stage. Which brings us to “Bubblegum” by Dazed, a fine representative of the Final Segment of the Relationship Arc.

I guess it’s funny how my record collection knows more about me / Than you have ever done is one of the best post-breakup lines I’ve heard and, if I wasn’t already in that Flatline of Happiness group, I would write it on a scrap of paper and stick it in my wallet for future reference. I mean, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” just doesn’t cut it in this Modern Age in which Affection and Authority compete with Twitter and Fortnite for the Land Lines of our Souls.

Dazed is Zak Lonsdale (bass, vocals), Will Brooke (rhythm guitar, vocals), Owen Galloway (lead guitar), and Luke Binstead (drums). “Bubblegum is from their new three-song EP, Affection and Authority In The Modern Age. The band self-describes as “Four boys in Yorkshire, who had no idea what they were doing, but hatched a plan to create the trashiest guitar band the world has ever known…” I’m not sure they’ve achieved their goal just yet, but Affection and Authority In The Modern Age paces the band several kilometers closer to the finish line.

You can support trashy guitar bands like Dazed, and deserving independent musicians in general, by visiting their Bandcamp page, listening to their songs, and downloading your favorite tracks. And be sure to follow Dazed on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube.